A.P.B. 2

I still miss you.

 

In fact, with time i’ve been indulging in

completely irrational notions

since i wasn’t there

since i didn’t see

 

i tell myself:

he faked it.

he’s somewhere out there,

he’s living some beautiful secret life…

he’s in love with somebody

he has a new name

he has a new town

a new haircut.

 

i tell myself:

it is possible!

i didn’t see it.

i was not there.

your cold body was not my burden to bear,

and somebody else cleaned up after us.

 

I still miss you.

Some (surely well-meaning) person told me last week

that i was grieving wrongly-

that “it’s been long enough”

i should open myself up to life.

 

I am open to Life!

You and i both know that.

What a silly stupid trickster that dude was

to tell me silly stupid trickster things like that-

 

Was he-

will he EVER be

brave enough, strong enough

to tear holes through brick walls

when Love’s light is totally available

to illuminate his self-created Bunker?

 

Love is not a game of war and peace

Love is never winning

Love is not a conquest…or a competition:

The Prettiest One, The Best One-

 

No, Dude-

Love is you and i just Knowing

just Being, and just Knowing

Did you know, some people are scared to do just that?

To Be

nothing

empty

 

I still miss you.

I miss the way you smell

your warm, sturdy, solid frame

snoring, rising, falling rhythmically beside me-

the way you chuckle out the side of your mouth

the way you were generous with me

and my jokes.

At night i still reach out for you.

 

I still miss you.

I miss how you felt so strongly about feeding people

You were a friend to some-

who maybe otherwise would not have had the experience of having a True One.

This took a lot of Energy.

 

I sometimes make believe that you just ran away

that you were tired

you needed rest

and you just ran away

You are off in Seattle somewhere

cooking pot brownies with some yoga teacher

new name

new haircut.

 

I still miss you.

It’s not like I’m not “living life”

how could i not be?

As my dad would say:

“one must eat, mustn’t one?”

 

i make my money

i earn my food

but sometimes?

i just can’t find the will to eat it

Logic tells me i need nourishment,

meanwhile my Heart says, “I’m not hungry.”

 

 

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